ramblings from my fucked up mind atm

so this was an awesome week. did a lot of stuff. went out a lot. yet last night and tonight i found myself sitting on my friend's floor holding back tears. i feel pathetic. im a jealous person and i hate myself for that. i'm terrified of losing my friends and of them talking behind my back about me being a bad person or something. i hope that if i do something to make them upset they will call me out on it. fuck. i hate crying. i hate being a mess. and yet thats what i am right now. my friend that i've known since first grade is pretty much done with me. i still care about her but im sick of dealing with her. our relationship is so superficial. i dont trust her and yea. and it does make me mildly upset that she's taken to talking to my best friend for advice. i think thats just the jealousy tho. i mean he's awesome at giving advice so its not really a bad thing. just irks me a bit but i cant really do anything to change that. they're friends and stuff but idk. i dont trust her. i also hate weed. i dont care if my friends occasionally smoke it but i dont want them to become pot heads. what pisses me off is that she'll agree with me that my best friend needs to get his shit together with school and stuff and agree that smoking weed is stupid when i know that she does it and the next night she's trying to get him to buy some. two faced much? i fucking hate liars. its stupid to lie. hfadifdj; FUCK. im so done with her drama. and her expecting me to look out for her when she's not giving me shit? ha yea right. im done wasting my energy on her. there's no point. i still care about her cus thats who i am. i dont wish ill on her but im just done with her. i'm one of her least judgemental friends and she's scared to tell me stuff? the fuck? all i'd tell her to do is be careful. i know she does drugs, i know she drinks, i know shes been with guys. so what. thats life and i dont care. the world doesnt revolve around her. i dont know what to do. she puts on the face of being friends so easily and i just dont buy it anymore. we've grown apart. i dont consider her my best friend anymore. as sad as that is. it is what it is. then there's my best friend now. awesome guy. i dont have a bad thing to say about him except for the weed but he already knows all that crap. he's the one person that i can say anything to. completely anything. we're open with each other. i tell him everything and as far as i know he tells me everything. he's a fun person to hang out with and i know if i ever need help he's there for me. i am also completely terrified of losing him because i do depend on him. i know with the end of high school im going to fall out of touch with a lot of friends and i have to accept that. but he is def at the top of that list of people i do not want to fall out of contact with. he can always manage to calm me down and pick me up when i fall. im so scared for the future. i dont know whats going to happen. i know it wont be easy, nothing ever is. but fuck. i just want to be happy. i want to worry less. but i doubt that'll happen. i want my friends to succeed as much as i want to succeed. and im jealous of people who seem to have succeeded. even if theres something wrong that i shouldnt be jealous about im still jealous. and i hate that about myself. i feel like such a little kid sometimes and i hate that too. i want to feel in control but i dont know how. i hate how i can get this upset over stuff in my head for no apparent reason besides i was thinking. i want to feel confident and gorgeous and like people want to be around me. i want to feel wanted and needed. and i cant think straight right now. idk i might call my friend. just to let him tell my brain to shut the fuck up and calm down. i cant think of any other shit right now. this is ridiculous. i should be happy. i had a good weekend. and yet im sitting in bed feeling like a pathetic jealous person who cant get laid. fuck fuck fuck.

the past 2 months

the past 2 months have been crazy to say the least. i've been on a rollercoaster of emotion and shit. rawrmeowrawr and all that shit. ugh. here's to the future and hoping that i make it through.

another rant

you dumb fucking bitch. you had it all and your weak ass self ran away. you have a preputation for being a slut. i let this go and figured you had changed. i was wrong. you broke his heart, you immature bitch. and yea i'm civil with youl but i dont have one nice thing to say about you. i mean between the kiss with kenny, the kiss with stephen, and then this shit with kosti plus jumping into a relationship with andrew after like a week broken up with dan. damn you're a whore. i feel bad for andrew, he's an idiot for dating you. slut. do you care about how he feels? how any of them feel? do you know how much dan went through? do you even realize all of it and comprehend all of it? no you got scared, couldnt handle it and bolted. thats exactly what people who love each other do. i dropped everthing to help him cus i knew how good of a person he is and how much i wanted im to survive. HE ALMOST FUCKING DIED TWICE YOU BITCH! and what did you do? flip out and leave him there. did he say shit to you? yes. but was he 100% himself at the time? no. is that an excuse? no. but he apologized for it and if you couldnt see how much he was hurting than im glad the two of you broke up. he deserves better than that. and i dont mean me. i could only do so much to help him. you could have done more but you ran instead. have fun fucking the male population at waubonsie. tell me how many drugs youre on by the time you're thirty, if you make it that long.

long rant number 1

you are so stupid. i want to punch you in the face. you parade around flashing your ego when you're just a scared little boy inside. you love to act like a dick and people can only put up with so much of it. so i guess its good you like to be alone. its hard to sit there and watch you act like this and watch you struggle when i know you have a good heart. i know trying to help you is pointless so i dont even bother anymore. i miss what we were and i'm not sure if we're ever gonna get that back. yet even as i m sitting here and thinking theses things about you i would have never thought i would ever think i still want to talk to you, and and hang out with you and have you in my life. i dont know if i'll ever really be a part of your life again. i can only take it a day at a time which is hard considering i lost my best friend. some days we will be on good terms and talking and other days you dont want anything to do with me, or at least thats how it feels. but fuck even tho most would say i'm crazy for still wanting to talk to you i'm still talking to you. you're not perfect, very far from it in fact but youre special and you mean something to me and im not ready to let go of that completely yet. so if you chose to read this good for you. you know what i've been thinking the past few days. who knows what the future will hold. truth is you're the one who knows me best, skank.

.

life isnt easy. this is gonna be a short babble but at the risk of fucking things up more the shit i have to say is going on here. i'm scared to death of what is going to happen to my best friend. but i can't exactly tell him that or else he will probably freak out and push me away even farther. thats basically what he is doing. is pushing me away. but if i let him i dont think it will be good for either of us in the long run. and i honestly want him in my life no matter what. he doesnt want to talk to me right now. which i understand. i dont like it but i understand. i'm going to give him his space but at the same time i want him to be able to talk to me about shit if he needs to. theres a very small chance that he will read this. i dont know. i dont really know if i care or not that he does read this. was i upset that we broke up? yes. but now my main concern is what is going to happen to him the next few weeks in his life. i pray that he will make it through all of this shit. i've meant every word i've said to him. it is driving me a little nuts that he hasnt responded to the message i sent him but i dont know what i really expect. i'm worried about him. he's pushed me away even tho i've told him that i'm here for him. i'm not gonna let him push me away for good tho. right now theres not much i can do. i'm terrified that if he goes back in there that he wont let me see him. i dont really know if thats good or not. i think i help him and i feel like im the only one that comforts him, especially when he's in there. and i dont want him to lose that. but i also want him to get better. so if he thinks it will make him better then i'm going to have to respect that. he said he wants me to be me. so i'm going to be me. but that will involve worrying about him whether he likes it or not. i owe him so much. i am who i am today because of him. and i hope to god he believes all of that and that he does listen to me when i tell him that. even tho i've been saying this stuff to him idk if he's really accepting it or taking it in. so if you are reading this, idk. take it to heart what i say i guess. its obvious you dont want to talk to me right now and i'm not going to push it. i cant make promises about the future but i know everything will be ok. i want to ask you to promise me that you won't commit suicide because i dont want you to. yet i'm terrified of what that would do to you and what your response would be. please be selfish for the next few weeks. you've spent a good portion of your life taking care of your family, especially your sisters, and your friends, me included. its time for you to be selfish and i dont care if you want to or not. i guess i hope you do read this since the second half is addressing you. when we do start talking again i probably will tell you about this and tell you this stuff. if anyone else happens to read this and feels like giving me some advice that would be nice. i just dont know what to do about this anymore. theres no way in hell i'm giving up on him tho. i just wish he was happy. and i feel bad that i didnt make him happy enough. i know its not all me but for awhile there he was better and he was happy. then he started not being happy. i'm so stupid. i should have called him out on it but i was so afraid of it being the truth and feeling like i failed. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i want to know whats going through his head right now. but i dont think he would tell me if i asked. theres a part of me thats upset that we broke up. but theres and even bigger part of me thats worried about him and the future. i dont know how much i can tell him or say to him without it getting to him. cus i dont want to make this any harder than it already is. but i've made my decision to stand by him as his friend no matter what. i just hopes that he wants me there and lets me be there. cus i dont know whats gonna happen if he doesnt want me there.

i'm in trouble, i'm an addict, i'm addicted to this girl, she's got my heart tied in a knot and my stomach in a whirl

i like where we are, when we drive in your car, i like where we are, here.

so i havent posted in a while because i've been a) extremely busy and b) incredibly happy and therefore not had the urge/need to emotionally angrily rant on here.
however, now we get a happy rant =]

i met this guy my sophmore year of high school, his junior year. this was two years ago. fastforward through a year of getting to know each other and becoming best friends to last year. we hung out all the time and became really close. please note that for most of this entire time i have had some sort of crush on him but was always fearful of ruining a great friendship. well just over three weeks ago he asked me out. and considering this blog is called musings of a hopeless midwest romantic i can sit here and post just how romantic it really was without even trying to be. i think thats why it was so perfect. completely unplanned and real.
ok
it was the first day of finals. i had calculus so my morning was spent stressing and studying and ultimately failing a final. that evening him and i went to starbucks with two of our friends to study. we had a fun time hanging out. he takes me home [i later find out he was going to ask me out then but couldnt do it]. then we get on stickam with our cobalt friends. its a group video chat program but you can also private chat people while in the group chat. so he private chats me which is nothing out of the ordinay. stickam is our nightly ritual and yea. now im already slightly shaking from the huge ass coffee i just had and in this private chat he sends me a message that basically says he has had a crush on me for the past year. we can see each other and he's obviously nervous and covering his face with his hands etc and i'm just in a stunned smile. our other friends in the chat start asking whats wrong/whats going etc cus they can see our faces. at this point im shaking and am speechless. i manage to type i have a crush on you too and he replies well what are we going to do about this then. we decide to give it a shot and take it slow. we then tell our friends in the chat what just happened and while they aren't surprised they congratulate us and ask how it went down. while i'm assigned to tell them the details he says he's coming over [he lives 5 minutes away]. im shaking; legs, arms, body, everything. i go downstairs to wait for him. he walks up to the door, i open it and we stand there in the door frame and he just kisses me. this just became the best day of my life so far. he comes inside and im still shaking and we just stand there, hugging each other and thinking oh my god this is finally happening. i will never forget that night. i couldnt stop smiling or shaking. so damn romantic
it was a little awkward at first, transitioning from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend but i've been happy ever since. i don't even have words to describe exactly how i feel. i just know i'm the luckiest girl in the world to be with him. he's my best friend and my boyfriend. i couldn't ask for anything better. all i can hope is to make him as happy as he makes me.
and yes, this is an extremely happy post. we've been going out for just over three weeks so far and we've been so damn cutesy lol but we deserve it. not one of our friends were really surprised we started dating, twas general consensus that we would eventually. and i dont have one complaint about that at all XD
he always made me feel so important and that i was worth something and still does of course. i'm so crazy about him. i'm actually happy to wake up in the morning and not looking for sleep as a way to escape reality because reality just got amazing =]

i'll stop rambling on about him now. i'm sure there will be more posts to come but for now i need finish my college shit.

wow

just went back and re read some of these latest posts, something i usually dont do, and discovered i'm repetative lol. idk. i kinda use this as a venting tool when i'm so moody/emotional/crazy/whatever that i've thought myself into the place where i have no friends, no family, no one who cares about me so i cant talk to anyone about my problems so i rant on here. gahhh. its easy to talk to a computer like this. i'm not afraid of burdening it. prlly not the healthiest thing to do but eh.